I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize