I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
