I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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