hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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