So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize