I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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