Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
