she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize