if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
