When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
