She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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