you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
