When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
