I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
