I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
