Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
