Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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