Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
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