I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
