I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
