I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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