I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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