I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize