I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
