am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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