Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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