I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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