drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize