the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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