You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
