so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
