Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
