i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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