Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
