i think my tv is drunk
I am spending my child support on dildos
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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