Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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