the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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