he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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