How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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