its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
