My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
