just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
