I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
