I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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