She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
