i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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