Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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