i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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