My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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