soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize