My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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