There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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