Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize