so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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