i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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