What did we do last night that was yellow?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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