I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
