just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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