Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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