A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
