if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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