You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
