That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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