Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize